ACT II
Scene 1
The Theatre at the Palace. Enter Buttons.
Buttons Hello boys and girls!
Audience Button up Buttons!
Buttons It’s the day of the big talent show at the Palace! I’m so excited.! I’m going to be on the telly. Imagine that! Maybe if I become a big TV celebrity Cinderella will fall in love with me. Oh well, I can always dream…
Dancers and villagers enter to join Buttons for the opening number of Act II.
Song 8
At the end of the song, Buttons exits. Enter the King and Queen.
Queen Now are you sure everything is ready for the show?
King Absolutely, my dear. I think Mr Muggsy and Mr Puggsy have done a splendid job.
Queen Where did you find those two, anyway?
King I put an advert on Gumtree.
Queen How many replies did you get?
King A quarter of a million. But they were the only applicants who were actually TV producers.
Queen Well I think they’re a very dodgy pair. You simply can’t trust showbiz people.
Enter Muggsy and Puggsy who is holding a big TV camera on his shoulder. The pair flit around filming everything that moves.
King Here they are now.
Muggsy (Pointing camera at the King & Queen) Act natural, your majesties. Act natural.
Puggsy Don’t look at the camera.
Muggsy We are live on air to the nation, Your Majesty.
Queen Is my son here yet?
Puggsy Not yet your majesty.
King Well I wish he’d hurry up. He’s supposed to be one of the judges tonight.
Muggsy (Pointing a big fluffy microphone at the king) As are Your Majesty and the Queen, of course. Are you looking forward to choosing the most talented person in the kingdom?
King (To camera) Oh yes! And I do hope there are a few good dog acts. I love a good dog act.
Queen Dog acts? Nonsense. We’re looking for someone to marry Prince Charming!
Muggsy Naturally, Your Majesty. Someone with a beautiful voice, of course.
Queen (To camera) Beautiful voice? I don’t care if they sound like a strangled cat in a blender as long as they are pretty, rich and they own a huge palace.
Enter Buttons holding a microphone. Muggsy and Puggsy pan the camera to him.
Buttons (To camera) Your Majesties, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Big TV Talent Show at the Royal Palace!
Applause.
Buttons Please welcome his Royal Highness Prince Charming!
Prince Charming enters with Dandini. The camera follows them.
Dandini (Whispering to Prince Charming) Do you mind if I just quickly check something, Your Highness.
Prince Charming Of course.
Dandini Am I still you, or am I back to being me again?
Prince Charming You’re back to being you again. I’m me and you’re you.
Dandini But am I me as you, or am I me as me?
Prince Charming You’re me as me. I mean, you’re you as you.
Dandini You as you?
Prince Charming No, you as you. Which isn’t me, it’s you.
Dandini So, just to summarise…
Prince Charming Ssssh. We’re on TV.
Prince Charming joins the King and Queen. The camera goes back to Buttons while he mimes interviewing villagers upstage.
Prince Charming Mother, father. You wanted to see me?
King Yes we did. Now, don’t forget, there will be lots of eligible…
Queen Rich…
King Rich, young women here this evening. Not just in the contest but in the audience as well.
Queen Your father and I feel confident that your new Princess will be somewhere in this room. All you have to do is find her.
Prince Charming You make it sound like a celebrity auction, mother. Do my own feelings count for nothing?
Queen Well, I can assure you of one thing, my boy, if you don’t choose a wife, I will choose one for you.
Puggsy points the camera at Prince Charming.
Prince Charming (Mugging and waving at the camera) Hello everyone!
Queen I’m surprised you even want to speak to those awful television people after the deception they pulled at the castle.
Prince Charming Deception?
Queen Haven’t you heard? They pretended to be you and Dandini.
Prince Charming (Fake smile to camera) Really mother? They seem like such nice chaps.
King Oh it’s all forgotten now. They’ve received their punishment. They’ve ended up being stalked by the Baroness’s two dreadful daughters.
He realises he’s on TV.
King I mean, the Baroness’s two beautiful daughters.
Queen Where are Britney and Donatella, by the way?
Muggsy They’re making themselves beautiful for the cameras.
Puggsy I just saw their wigs being delivered by an articulated lorry from Eddie Stobbart.
Puggsy pans the camera back to point at Buttons.
Buttons Ladies and gentlemen, we will soon be watching the first acts of the evening. So, lets meet two of those acts now, with their family who are here to support them.
Enter the Baron and Baroness. Applause.
Buttons And here are the Baroness’s two very talented daughters…
The Ugly Sisters enter. They are dressed to kill. The camera moves to Prince Charming and Dandini as they greet the Baron, Baroness and the Ugly Sisters.
Prince Charming Welcome to the Royal Palace, Baron and Baroness. And of course a very special welcome to your lovely daughters.
Donatella (To camera) Hello everyone! We are absolutely thrilled to be here!
Britney (To camera) We’re on a roller-coaster of emotions!
Prince Charming But Baroness Camilla, isn’t one of your family missing?
Dandini Surely we delivered another invitation to Hardup Castle!
Camilla Hardup I can assure your Royal Highness, that all of my party are here.
Donatella (To the Prince) Are you looking forward to hearing us sing, Princey Wincey?
Prince Charming Of course. I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Donatella notices Puggsy behind the camera.
Donatella (Flirty) Oooh oooh! Mr. Puggsy! Make sure you get my good side.
Muggsy (Aside to Puggsy) And you know which side that is.
Puggsy Which side?
Muggsy The back of her head!
Puggsy pans the camera around to Buttons.
Buttons So, the excitement is building. We’ve met the judges and we’ll soon be meeting the first act. And that’s all coming up after this short commercial break.
Puggsy Cut! Take five everybody.
Muggsy and Puggsy put the camera and microphone down.
Puggsy Thanks goodness for that. That camera weighs a ton. Next time I’m shooting the whole thing on an iPhone.
Muggsy Oh stop complaining. You know you love the buzz of live TV.
Muggsy Well, I suppose it’s better than having a proper job. And you know what they say. There’s no business like showbusiness.
Buttons joins Muggsy and Puggsy as they perform, a very showbizzy song and dance routine.
Song 9
After the routine, Puggsy picks up the camera and points it at Buttons.
Muggsy Coming back in five, four, three …. cue Buttons.
Buttons Welcome back to the Royal Palace for the biggest showbiz night of the year.
Puggsy pans the camera to point at Prince Charming and the King and Queen.
King Come on lad, why aren’t you talking to any of these young ladies? You’ll never find a wife at this rate. What about that very pretty girl over there?
Prince Charming She was in my class at school. She’s got terrible breath.
King Is she rich?
Prince Charming Yes.
King Well put on a cycling mask and go and talk to her.
Prince Charming Father!
Queen What about that girl over there? She’s beautiful.
Prince Charming But mother, she has an awful laugh.
Queen So, don’t tell her any jokes.
Prince Charming Mother, please. I did send an invitation to a very special girl. But she doesn’t seem to have turned up.
The camera pans to Buttons.
Buttons Your Majesties… ladies and gentlemen… please welcome our first contestant of the evening the Masked Lady!
Fanfare. X-Factor music. Enter Cinderella. She holds an elegant mask over her eyes. Buttons escorts her into the room.
Britney O-M-G, it’s Lady Gaga!
Donatella Either that or it’s the Lone Ranger in drag.
Britney (Aside) Lone Ranger?
Donatella (Aside) One for the granddads.
Buttons (Aside to Cinders) Cinderella, you look amazing!
Puggsy pans the camera to Prince Charming who is clearly very taken with this masked beauty.
Prince Charming Wow! What an entrance!
Cinderella (Whispers) I’m so nervous, Buttons. I don’t know whether I can go through with it.
Buttons (Whispers) You’ll be fine, Cinders. But before you go on, I think there’s something you should know….
Cinderella (Whispers) What?
Buttons (Whispers) Dandini isn’t Dandini.
Cinderella (Whispers) Well, who is he then?
Buttons (Whispers) Dandini is Prince Charming.
Cinderella (Whispers) Dandini isn’t Dandini
Buttons No.
Cinderella (Shouts) What???
Everyone turns and looks at Cinderella momentarily. Then they turn back to their conversations.
Cinderella (To Buttons) I mean (Whispers) “What?”
Buttons The Prince disguised himself as his servant because he wanted to meet you.
Cinderella I can’t do this. I want to go home.
Buttons You can’t go home. You’re the Masked Lady and you’re about to win a big talent show and become a superstar.
Cinderella I’m scared.
Puggsy pans the camera to Buttons.
Buttons (To camera) Let’s just have one last quick word with the judges.
Puggsy pans the camera to Prince Charming, The Queen and The King who are now seated behind a judge’s desk in true X-Factor style. Buttons feeds the mic to each in turn as he speaks to them.
Buttons (To the King) Your Majesty, are you ready for the first act?
King Bring it on!
Buttons (To the Queen) All set?
Queen Oh, for heavens sake, get on with it, boy!
Buttons (To Prince Charming) Your Highness?
Prince Charming I just want to know one thing. Who is that beautiful Masked Lady?
Buttons (To camera) Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage your first contestant of the evening… the mysterious Masked Lady!
Cinderella steps into the spotlight and sings like an angel.
Song 10
At the end of the song the crowd go wild and the judges rise to their feet to applaud. Enter the Fairy Godmother. Everyone on stage freezes in a pose and the lighting state changes.
Fairy Godmother
Cinderella’s performance won the nation’s hearts,
Her song was surely destined for the pop charts.
But for many hours the contest went on,
And everyone in the kingdom seemed to sing a song.
There was much to applaud, there was much to offend,
It seemed that the contest would never end.
Donatella and Britney’s songs were absurd,
The most awful racket that you’ve ever heard.
But at the end of the voting, quite remarkably,
The pair had both managed to get in the top three.
And before the audience could reach for their coats,
It was up to Buttons to reveal the votes…
The lights change to a dramatic state. Puggsy points the camera at Buttons.
Buttons Here is the result of the public vote. In no particular order… I’ve always wanted to say that… In no particular order, the first act in the final three is (Pause) Donatella!
The audience boo. Donatella runs around punching the air like a footballer who has scored a goal.
Donatella Yes! In your face, Britney!
Button The second act through to the final three is…. Britney.
The audience boo some more. Britney dances around the stage in wild celebration.
Britney (singing and dancing) Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah!
Button And the third act in the final three…. The Masked Lady!
Cinderella I don’t believe it.
Applause. The audience go wild. Cinderella, Britney and Donatella line up in front of the judges.
Buttons It’s now up to our three very distinguished judges to choose the winner. I’m going to ask each of them in turn for their votes. I will come first to the Queen. Your Majesty, who are you going to vote for tonight?
Puggsy points the camera at the judges.
Queen Well, Buttons, I would hate to influence my son in his choice of bride, but I have decided to vote for the very beautiful and talented… Masked Lady.
Applause.
Buttons That’s one vote for The Masked Lady. I’m now coming to the King. Your Majesty, who is your vote going to?
King Well, Buttons, I think we all have a pretty good idea who’s going to win… so I’ve decided to use my vote to keep the suspense going, and spin it out for a bit longer. My vote goes to… Donatella.
The audience boo. Donatella fans herself and faints with shock.
Buttons Which means that the deciding vote goes to Prince Charming. Your Royal Highness, who are you going to vote for?
Prince Charming stands up.
Prince Charming Buttons, there is only one girl has won the hearts of everyone here tonight, and she has won my heart too.
Queen Finally!
Prince Charming My vote goes to… The Masked Lady!
The camera pans to Buttons, now standing side by side with Cinderella.
Buttons Then I declare that the winner is… The Masked Lady!
The audience applaud and cheer.
Donatella (Aside to Britney) Are you sure that isn’t Lady Gaga?
Britney No. Her feet are way too small.
Buttons (To Cinderella) Your prize includes a one million pound recording contract
All Oooooh.
Buttons A National Tour of the Kingdom…
All Oooooh.
Buttons And thirty pounds worth of gift vouchers from Boots!
More audience applause. Prince Charming runs towards Cinderella and they embrace. Romantic waltz music begins to play.
Prince Charming May I have this dance, mysterious lady?
Cinderella You may.
The Prince and Cinderella dance a great swirling waltz.
Prince Charming Congratulations, Masked Lady! You are going to be very famous.
Cinderella It can’t be true. It’s all like a wonderful dream.
Prince Charming You are so beautiful. Do I dare ask you to take off your mask?
Cinderella Perhaps, when we get to know each other a little better, Prince Charming.
Prince Charming Very well. But in the meantime, please allow me to show you around the Royal Palace.
Cinderella Oh dear, I’d love to but I’m afraid I have to leave before midnight.
The camera pans away from Cinderella and the Prince and sweeps around the dance floor which is now filled with other dancing couples including the King & Queen and Baron and Baroness Hardup.
Queen (To the King) It seems our son has made up his mind at last. But I wish we knew who that girl was.
King (To the Queen) Surely it doesn’t matter, dear, as long as he’s happy.
Camilla Hardup (To the Baron) Well, I thought Donatella and Britney were both miles better than that awful woman in the mask. Who wears a mask unless they have something to hide?
Baron Hardup (To the Baroness) Looks like Cinderella’s going to become a very rich and famous Princess.
Camilla Hardup (To the Baron) A rich and famous Princess? What could possibly go wrong?
Britney suddenly grabs Muggsy and waltzes with him.
Britney Tell me Mr. Muggsy… do you think you could get me into the TV business?
Muggsy Well, the King did say that he was hoping to find a good dog act.
Donatella grabs Puggsy and waltzes with him.
Donatella Oh Mr. Puggsy. You’re so strong and dominant. You could turn a girl’s head.
Puggsy In your case I’d like to grab hold of it and turn it about 360 degrees.
Prince Charming and Cinderella dance to the front of the stage.
Prince Charming You dance so beautifully.
Cinderella Oh, Prince Charming, I could dance with you all night!
Enter Fairy Godmother who talks to Buttons.
Fairy Godmother Buttons, the hour fast approaches when Cinderella has to be gone. You must go and warn her.
Buttons I’ll try my best, Fairy Godmother, but I think she’s going to take some shifting.
Fairy Godmother But didn’t Cinderella read the terms and conditions? Doesn’t she know that at the stroke of midnight her beautiful clothes will disappear and she will once again be dressed in rags?
Buttons Oh dear. (To audience) This is going to get worse before its gets better.
The Fairy Godmother exits. The clock begins to chime twelve. Cinderella reacts as she hears the clock.
Cinderella On no! It’s twelve o’clock already! I have to go!
Prince Charming Don’t go!
Cinderella Thank you for a wonderful evening.
Prince Charming But I don’t have your phone number!
Cinderella Good-bye, Prince Charming.
Buttons and Cinderella beat a hasty retreat.
Prince Charming Please don’t leave! I love you! Come back, beautiful Masked Lady!
Enter Dandini.
Prince Charming Dandini?
Dandini She’s gone. She just vanished into the night.
Prince Charming No!
Dandini But she left this. On the staircase.
Dandini hands a glass slipper to the Prince. The King and Queen, Baron and Baroness Hardup and the Ugly Sisters gather to see what has happened.
Prince Charming A glass slipper. She’s left nothing but this glass slipper.
Dandini It’s tiny. She must have very small feet.
Britney (Whispers) Who wears glass slippers?
Donatella (Whispers) Health and Safety nightmare!
Britney (Whispers) They must have been agony to dance in.
Dandini (To the Ugly Sisters) Sssssh!
Muggsy and Puggsy point their camera at the slipper.
Prince Charming (To Muggsy & Puggsy) Will you turn that camera off !!!
Muggsy & Puggsy (Together) Sorry.
Prince Charming The one girl I could have shared my life with has vanished, and all I have left is this glass slipper. What am I going to do?
King Well I should have thought that was fairly obvious, boy.
Prince Charming What?
King You must find that girl!
Queen Absolutely! What are you waiting for?
Prince Charming You’re right! I’ll do it!
Britney (Dabbing her eyes) I’m filling up.
The Prince holds up the glass slipper.
Prince Charming I hereby proclaim, “Whoever this crystal slipper fits shall become my bride”. We will search every house in the kingdom until that girl is found!
Grand music. Tabs close.