Act I
Scene 1
Enter Fairy Tuppence on tabs.
Fairy Tuppence I am Fairy Tuppence, welcome to our pantomime!
We have a bewitching tale to tell, in song and dance and rhyme.
The tale concerns a boy called Jack, a yarn that’s often told.
He dreams of climbing to the clouds and one day finding gold.
The fable is enchanting and we hope you’ll be engrossed
You’ll hear of love and magic beans (aside) and I don’t mean beans on toast.
The story’s filled with kings and queens and beautiful princesses,
You’ll hear of deeds of bravery as the narrative progresses…
(Aside to audience) Well, you try thinking of a rhyme for “princesses.”
Now it’s time to start our show with a great wave of my hand.
Suspend your silly disbelief, and come with us to panto land!
Fairy Tuppence exits. Tabs open to reveal Plump’s Farm.
Song 1
Opening routine featuring Dame Plump, farm workers, dancers and chorus. After the routine…
Dame Plump Well done you lot! I’ll have you on Strictly Come Dancing before you can say Claudia Winkleman. Now, stop jumping about and go and do some bloomin’ work!
Dancers and chorus exit.
Dame Plump (to audience) Hello boys and girls! Hello grown-ups! How lovely to see you all. My name is Dame Philomena Plump. I shouldn’t really be singing and dancing because I’ve not been very well. I said, I’ve not been very well.
Audience Aaaaahhhhh!
Dame Plump Oh, come on it’s sadder than that. I’ve not been very well.
Audience Aaaaahhhhh!
Dame Plump Thank you for your sympathy. And so spontaneous. Welcome to Plump Farm. We’re famous for many things. Our old dairy cow Esmeralda is so pampered she produces spoiled milk, and our chickens lay eggs that are already scrambled. But there is one bit of good news. Our scarecrow has just won the Nobel Prize. He was judged to be outstanding in his field. (Aside to audience) I’m not explaining it, you’ll have to keep up.
Enter Jack. He has a sack tied to his back.
Jack Hello Mother!
Dame Plump Oh, hello Jack.
Jack Hello, boys and girls!
Audience Hello!
Jack Are you going to be my friends, boys and girls? I hope so. It’s always good to know when you have friends around. I tell you what, whenever you see me, why don’t you shout out “What’s in your sack, Jack?” Shall we try that? I’ll go off and come on again.
Jack exits and quickly returns.
Jack Hello, boys and girls!
Audience What’s in your sack, Jack?
Jack Oh, I think you can say it louder than that. Hello boys and girls!
Audience What’s in your sack, Jack?
Jack That’s better.
Dame Plump Well, what have you got in your sack?
Jack I’ve got some eggs, and some milk.
Dame Plump You were supposed to sell those eggs and that milk at the market.
Jack I know.
Dame Plump And where’s all that lovely homemade bread I gave you to sell?
Jack I ate it, mother.
Dame Plump You ate it??? What, six loaves?
Jack I was so hungry. It’s a very long walk to the market.
Dame Plump But that bread was my own special crumbly, numbly, yeasty, feasty, yummy, scrummy, trusty, crusty bread!
Jack Sorry, mother. I know it was your own special crumbly, numbly, yeasty, feasty, yummy, scrummy, trusty, crusty bread.
Dame Plump It took me years to come up with the recipe for that.
Jack (To audience) It took me years to learn that line.
Dame Plump Paul Hollywood said it was the best home made bread he’d ever tasted, and Mary Berry nicked the recipe and put it on her web site.
Jack Well mother, you’ll just have to make some more crumbly, numbly, yeasty, feasty, yummy, scrummy, trusty, crusty bread and then I can go back to the market and sell it.
Dame Plump But Jack, we’re penniless. I don’t have the ingredients.
Jack Oh dear.
Dame Plump If we can’t sell our farm produce, we’ll just have to sell the farm!
Jack We can’t sell the farm, mother. We don’t own it. We rent it from the king.
Dame Plump But, we owe money all over the place! A few orders from the palace now and again is just not enough to keep us going.
Jack I could try busking on the village green.
Dame Plump You can’t do that, Jack. Last time you got yourself arrested.
Jack Only because I sang a song by James Blunt.
Dame Plump There’s nothing else for it. We’ll have to sell the only thing we’ve got that’s worth anything like real money.
Jack Your rare collection of Boy George’s hats?
Dame Plump No.
Jack Your football signed by Yaya Toure?
Dame Plump No. We’ll have to sell Esmeralda the Cow!
Jack We can’t sell Esperalda.
Dame Plump Oh, yes we can.
Jack Oh no we can’t.
Dame Plump Oh, yes we can.
Jack Oh no we can’t.
Dame Plump Oh, yes we can.
Ad lib with audience.
Jack But Esmeralda is more than just a cow, she’s part of the family!
Dame Plump Where is Esmeralda, anyway? I thought she was in the farmyard.
Esmeralda the Cow appears upstage.
Jack Have you seen Esmeralda, boys and girls?
Audience Behind you!
Dame Plump Oh, dear. Are we doing this?
Esmeralda disappears. Jack and Dame Plump turn around and look.
Jack Behind us? Well I can’t see her, can you see her, mother?
Dame Plump Sigh. No, I can’t see her.
Esmeralda the Cow appears upstage again.
Audience Behind you!
The cow disappears again. Jack and his mother turn around.
Jack Behind us? Did you say she was behind us?
Esmeralda the Cow appears from the wings.
Jack Oh, there she is. Hello Esmeralda. What have you been up to?
Dame Plump I don’t know why you bother to talk to that cow. She can’t answer back.
Jack Yes, she can. She talks to me by stamping her hooves.
Dame Plump So you say.
Jack Esmeralda, stamp once for “yes” and twice for “no”.
Esmeralda stamps once for “yes”.
Jack Has that lazy old farm hand Charlie milked you yet today?
Esmeralda stamps once for “yes”.
Jack “Yes.” Good girl. Did Charlie remember to warm his hands first?
Esmeralda stamps twice for “no”, then shivers.
Jack Oh dear, she says “no”..
Dame Plump There’s nothing worse than a pair of cold hands on your udder.
Jack Don’t worry Esmeralda, I’ll have a word with him about that.
Dame Plump Here’s Charlie now.
Enter the farm hand Charlie.
Charlie Morning, all.
Jack Oooh, Charlie, what’s that horrible smell? Have you been mucking out the pig sheds?
Charlie No, Mr Jack, that’s my new aftershave. It’s called “Essence of the Countryside.”
Dame Plump “Essence of the Countryside”? Smells more like “essence of a cat’s bum”. When did you last have a bath, Charlie?
Charlie I has a bath once a year..
Dame Plump Once a year?
Charlie Yep, once a year. Whether I needs it or not.
Dame Plump Poooo!
Dame Plump exits, holding her nose. She takes Esmeralda with her.
Jack Charlie I need you to help me put some fresh straw in Esmeralda’s cow shed.
Charlie Righto, Jack.
Jack Go and get that rake over there and we’ll get started.
Charlie walks towards a rake propped up against the wall, but instead he grabs a bucket.
Charlie There you go…
Jack No, not a bucket, a rake.
Charlie Sorry.
Jack The rake’s over there.
Charlie goes and picks up a broom.
Charlie Rake.
Jack No, that’s a broom.
Charlie Oh.
Jack Charlie, I think you might need to get a pair of glasses.
Charlie Glasses?
Jack holds up four fingers
Jack I’ll give you an eye test. Cover your right eye.
Charlie Like this?
Jack Now, how many fingers am I holding up?
Charlie Four.
Jack Correct. Now cover your left eye. How many fingers am I holding up now?
Jack holds up four fingers again.
Charlie Two.
Jack Mmm. What colour hair do I have?
Charlie Dark Brown.
Jack And with the other eye?
Charlie Light blond.
Jack Charlie….
Charlie With lowlights.
Jack Charlie, am I a boy or a girl?
Charlie A boy.
Jack And with the other eye?
Charlie A girl.
Jack Charlie, I think you’re suffering from a condition that opticians call “Seeing one thing out of one eye, and something completely different out of the other eye”.
Charlie Oh.
Jack pulls some pictures out of his sack
Jack Let me show you some pictures. What’s this?
Jack holds up picture of a horse. Charlie covers one eye.
Charlie It’s a horse.
Jack And with the other eye?
Charlie It’s a giraffe.
Jack holds up picture of a stable.
Charlie That’s a stable.
Jack Other eye?
Charlie That’s a cheese and pickle sandwich.
Jack holds up a picture of a car.
Charlie That’s a car.
Jack (changing eyes) That’s a nice bottle of Doctor Pepper.
Jack shows Charlie some more pictures in quick succession.
Charlie An horse chestnut tree, (changes eye) A Boeing 747, (changes eye) A table, (changes eye) Christopher Biggins.
Jack Wow, you’ve got it bad.
Charlie Is there a cure?
Jack Of course there is. You’ll have to get a pair of glasses that let you to see the same thing out of your left eye as you can see out of your right eye.
Charlie That sounds expensive.
Jack I’ll buy them for you when I make my fortune, Charlie.
Charlie And how do you plan to do that, Jack?
Jack I’ll think of something. Oh, look, here comes your lady friend Sarah.
Charlie She’s not my lady friend.
Jack Don’t be so bashful, Charlie.
Enter Sarah. Exit Jack.
Sarah (A bit flirty) Good morning Charlie.
Charlie covers one eye.
Charlie Hello, Sarah.
He covers the other eye.
Charlie Oh look, a squirrel.
Sarah What was that?
Charlie Nothing. I just need to get some glasses, that’s all.
Sarah You’ll look very handsome in glasses, Charlie.
Charlie Will I?
Sarah I hope you’re not blushing.
Charlie So… what can I do for you today, Miss Sarah?
Sarah I’ve come from the palace with the princess’s shopping list.
Charlie What does she need?
Sarah (reads from list) She says she needs some utterly buttery butter, some chunky cheesy cheese and some silky, milky milk.
Charlie Utterly buttery butter, chunky cheesy cheese and some silky, milky milk.
Sarah Oh, and some eggs.
Charlie We’ve got hen’s eggs, duck’s eggs and a goat’s egg.
Sarah A goat’s egg? That’s rather unusual.
Charlie She’s a rather an unusual goat.
Sarah A dozen hen’s eggs please.
Charlie Small, medium or large?
Sarah Large.
Charlie We haven’t got any large.
Sarah Medium?
Charlie We’ve only got small. What colour you want?
Sarah What colours have you got?
Charlie Brown or plain.
Sarah Brown.
Charlie Do you need a bag?
Sarah Yes please.
Charlie They’re 5p.
Sarah But, there’s no hurry, Charlie. I like talking to you. You make me laugh.
Charlie I like talking to you, too Miss Sarah. You’re looking very pretty today, by the way.
Sarah Thank you Charlie.
(Awkward pause)
Charlie Well, I’d better go and sort out your shopping.
Exit Charlie. Enter Jack
Jack Hello Sarah. How’s your lovely employer Princess Davina?
Sarah Very well, Jack.
Jack Has she sent a note for me?
Sarah Not today, I’m afraid. Just a shopping list. But I think she’d rather like it if you delivered the groceries in person.
Jack I think I can the find time.
Sarah But do be careful, Jack. The king and queen want Davina to marry a prince and if they see you hanging around with her you might find yourself in the dungeons.
Jack Well, I’m never going to be a prince, but I’ll find some way for Davina and I to live happily ever after.
Sarah I hope so.
Jack Tell the princess I’ll see her very soon. And I’ll bring the shopping!
Sarah I’ll tell her.
Sarah exits. Enter Esmeralda.
Jack Hello Esmeralda. What are you doing back here all on your own? Are you hungry?
Esmeralda taps her foot twice.
Jack You’re not hungry. Are you thirsty?
She taps her foot twice again.
Jack You’re not thirsty. Oh, I know what it is! You want me to sing a song.
She taps her foot once.
Jack I will sing a song Esmeralda, especially for you.
Jack sings an optimistic song to his cow. Esmeralda performs a sweet little dance routine.
Song 2
After the song, tabs close. Enter Fairy Tuppence.
Fairy Tuppence
It’s Fairy Tuppence here again and our story has begun.
Jack will do most anything to be with his loved one.
But little does our hero know that adventure lurks nearby,
A mean old giant is up above and danger lurks in the sky.
The giant employs a gangster who goes by the name of Mickey.
He roams the countryside and he is slippery and tricky.
He’s known as Mickey the Menace and he’s really far from funny,
He’s on his way to Plump Farm now, to collect protection money…
(Aside to audience) Oooh, Mickey the Menace is such a nasty man. You can’t miss him, he wears a great big black hat. I think you should boo him when you see him, boys and girls….
Exit Fairy Tuppence. Enter Mickey the Menace on tabs. Chicago mobster type. He is carrying a violin case and speaks exactly like the gangsters in Guys and Dolls. The kids boo.
Mickey the Menace Greetings. If I am not very much mistaken you appear to be boo-ing me, which is a very unwise thing to do I can assure you. My name is Mickey, pleased to meet you. My enemies call me Mickey the Menace, and my friends don’t call me anything at all, because I don’t have no friends and even if I did have some friends I would be mean to them because I am not a nice person. If my boss The Giant finds out that you are disrespecting his chief security officer, he will be extremely displeased and he will be forced to dish out some very unpleasant punishment which will not be a nice thing to dish out. Not that it’s any of your business, but I am on my way to pay a visit to Jack and his mother at Plump Farm. I will be inviting them to take out an insurance policy. You can’t be too careful these days. The farm could easily catch fire and burn to the ground and we wouldn’t want that to happen, now would we? But if they pay their insurance they won’t have nothing to worry about.
Now, if you will excuse I have to go and be mean. See you later.